Little by little, our Lord was showing me how to live a life of sacrificial love. "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." (John 15:13)
One day I was in an antique shop and I eyed a 70's decoupaged plaque which read, "It is not in doing the things we enjoy, but enjoying the things we must do, that makes life blessed -- Goethe." Along the perimeter of the plaque, are art renderings of a farmer plowing the field, a woman carrying produce into a house, etc. Being the only person in the store at the time, the clerk/owner struck up a conversation with me about the saying on the plaque. He said that his "pappy" used to say, "Have you ever seen an apple tree enjoy a freshly baked apple pie? Of course not. The reason for the life of the apple tree is to produce delicious fruit for God's children." The wise store-owner continued to share the wisdom that was passed down to him, and added how God provides the soil, water, and sun in order that the tree can be fruitful. We thank God for the apples, not the tree. A wonderful and inspiring discussion ensued on how we have all been created to find the joy in serving rather than in being served and that God provides everything we need. "Just so, the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28)
As you may have guessed, I purchased the plaque and it has hung in our kitchen for many, many years as a reminder to me of the joy in serving with love. In hindsight, I saw how I was waiting to be loved by my husband, and desiring to be served in return for serving, and I was dying inside. Learning that family life is holy work and that when it is done with the love provided by God, it produces the life-giving fruit of love. "We love because he first loved us." (1John 4:19). With every act of love done in service with and for God, we are blessed with the joy of life and are fruitful. I thank God for the times that I cooperate with Him to produce the fruit of love for others to enjoy, rather than partaking in it just for myself. God's plan is so much better than anything I could ever dream of. How great it is whenever I give away God's love to feed others with the fruit of His love, for it is then that His love multiplies within me. Such joy!
Something we must enjoy doing in order to grow in our love of God and one another, is read scripture. A contemplation of the First Letter of John in the New Testament always blesses me with new insights about God's love. (It is very short.) Ask the Holy Spirit to enlighten you and sacrifice some time to read it. I promise, you will be blessed.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Our Family of God
My earthly Father is 100% Maltese, and my earthly Mother is 100% Polish. That makes me and my seven siblings 50% Maltese, and 50% Polish. None of us is more Maltese or Polish than the next. We have done nothing to earn this ethnicity and we have no recourse in changing it. I am very proud of my heritage and although I physically favor the Maltese side, I feel that I embrace the culture of my Polish ancestry more. My parents are first generation Americans; English was the only language spoken in our home. This reality helped me to see what I could not see.
My heavenly Father is 100% Holy. "So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48) All children of God are 100% Holy. None of us are holier than the next. We have done nothing to earn this holiness and we have no recourse in changing it. However, we can choose to embrace the culture of holiness more than our other sisters and brothers. Jesus IS the Word of God made flesh and He speaks the language of love.
Once I freed myself from the prison of a self-concerned heart, I longed for a true spirit of love to soar within me and my family. Through scripture and prayer, I was being inspired by the Word of God. I learned that the Holy Spirit is the love between the Father and the Son. It is through acts of love that we embrace holiness and encounter life with Jesus and His "perfect" family.
Marriage and family life provides multiple opportunities each day to perform acts of love that sanctifies us. I looked at these daily mundane tasks as drudgery, not blessings. A quote of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta states, "Do small things with great love." It's all about the language of love.
I got married to be loved. My husband got married for the same reason; to be loved. Servant of God, Catherine Doherty once asked, "If two people get married to be loved, who is going to do the loving?" God's plan for marriage is that each spouse care more about their life-partner than themselves. In caring for the other, we become holy and a spirit of love is born within our family.
God gives us a life-partner to help us get to Heaven. Our job as parents is to get our children to Heaven. Keeping score of how much I cared and loved compared to how much my husband did, is no longer important to me. It doesn't matter which team member scores the most, just as long as we win the prize. "In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?" (John 14:2) I believe that God has a family suite for each of us and if we do His will on earth as it is in Heaven, we get a taste of the fruit of the Spirit now. It is heavenly!
While I still look for times of appreciation, I now realize that if I do any good, it comes from our Holy Father and He deserves all the credit. My wonderful earthly family, and that includes my in-laws, whenever we call for help, they are right there to assist us in our physical needs. I now know that our Family of God is always waiting for us to call upon them for the spiritual help we need every moment of every day. "In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23) Come Holy Spirit, Come, and help us value family life!
My heavenly Father is 100% Holy. "So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48) All children of God are 100% Holy. None of us are holier than the next. We have done nothing to earn this holiness and we have no recourse in changing it. However, we can choose to embrace the culture of holiness more than our other sisters and brothers. Jesus IS the Word of God made flesh and He speaks the language of love.
Once I freed myself from the prison of a self-concerned heart, I longed for a true spirit of love to soar within me and my family. Through scripture and prayer, I was being inspired by the Word of God. I learned that the Holy Spirit is the love between the Father and the Son. It is through acts of love that we embrace holiness and encounter life with Jesus and His "perfect" family.
Marriage and family life provides multiple opportunities each day to perform acts of love that sanctifies us. I looked at these daily mundane tasks as drudgery, not blessings. A quote of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta states, "Do small things with great love." It's all about the language of love.
I got married to be loved. My husband got married for the same reason; to be loved. Servant of God, Catherine Doherty once asked, "If two people get married to be loved, who is going to do the loving?" God's plan for marriage is that each spouse care more about their life-partner than themselves. In caring for the other, we become holy and a spirit of love is born within our family.
God gives us a life-partner to help us get to Heaven. Our job as parents is to get our children to Heaven. Keeping score of how much I cared and loved compared to how much my husband did, is no longer important to me. It doesn't matter which team member scores the most, just as long as we win the prize. "In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?" (John 14:2) I believe that God has a family suite for each of us and if we do His will on earth as it is in Heaven, we get a taste of the fruit of the Spirit now. It is heavenly!
While I still look for times of appreciation, I now realize that if I do any good, it comes from our Holy Father and He deserves all the credit. My wonderful earthly family, and that includes my in-laws, whenever we call for help, they are right there to assist us in our physical needs. I now know that our Family of God is always waiting for us to call upon them for the spiritual help we need every moment of every day. "In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23) Come Holy Spirit, Come, and help us value family life!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The Ruby Slippers
Now begins the more lovely part of my story, thank goodness! If someone would have told me 30 years ago, that my husband and I not only remained married, but did family ministry together, prayed together, looked at one another with genuine love, I would have never believed it. "But Jesus looked at them and said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" (Matthew 19:26)
God was with me all along the way. Like Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz movie who was searching for a way to return home and didn't realize that she had the ruby slippers and they were the answer, I had the power of Jesus' love with me but didn't realize that it was the love I was looking for. To get to a home of love, I first had to journey on the "yellow-brick-road" into my own heart to find the answer.
"And he (Jesus) said, 'What comes out of a man is what defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, fornication, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a man.'" (Mark 7:20-23) Blaming my unhappiness on others and looking to others or to material things for happiness, was futile. Jesus taught that there is nothing on the outside that can defile us. What defiles us, comes from within ourself and we will never find happiness or love until we have a clean heart. A quote of Ralph Waldo Emerson comes to mind, "Though we search the world over to find the beautiful, if we do not carry it with us, we find it not."
The answer to a beautiful heart is Jesus. Jesus is the answer, the only answer, the answer to everything in this life and eternal life. Once I stopped looking elsewhere, and looked to Jesus and me, miracles started to happen. It required more than just desiring to change my heart. I had to do the work with Jesus. Once new life started springing forth within me, I couldn't get enough of Jesus in His Word and Sacraments. I was finding joy in serving my family with the newfound love of Jesus in my heart.
I know without a doubt that all of our names are written in Heaven. "Nevertheless do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." (Luke 10:20) Our creator, God the Father, is expecting us to one day reach our Heavenly home. And that is exactly what I want and long for. But Satan is after my ruby slippers (Jesus' love in my heart) as he does not want me to make it home. Every day I must choose Heaven or Hell, to love or not to love. Ever grateful for Jesus who saves me, I think to myself, "There's no place like Home. There's no place like Home. There's no place like Home."
God was with me all along the way. Like Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz movie who was searching for a way to return home and didn't realize that she had the ruby slippers and they were the answer, I had the power of Jesus' love with me but didn't realize that it was the love I was looking for. To get to a home of love, I first had to journey on the "yellow-brick-road" into my own heart to find the answer.
"And he (Jesus) said, 'What comes out of a man is what defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, fornication, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a man.'" (Mark 7:20-23) Blaming my unhappiness on others and looking to others or to material things for happiness, was futile. Jesus taught that there is nothing on the outside that can defile us. What defiles us, comes from within ourself and we will never find happiness or love until we have a clean heart. A quote of Ralph Waldo Emerson comes to mind, "Though we search the world over to find the beautiful, if we do not carry it with us, we find it not."
The answer to a beautiful heart is Jesus. Jesus is the answer, the only answer, the answer to everything in this life and eternal life. Once I stopped looking elsewhere, and looked to Jesus and me, miracles started to happen. It required more than just desiring to change my heart. I had to do the work with Jesus. Once new life started springing forth within me, I couldn't get enough of Jesus in His Word and Sacraments. I was finding joy in serving my family with the newfound love of Jesus in my heart.
I know without a doubt that all of our names are written in Heaven. "Nevertheless do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." (Luke 10:20) Our creator, God the Father, is expecting us to one day reach our Heavenly home. And that is exactly what I want and long for. But Satan is after my ruby slippers (Jesus' love in my heart) as he does not want me to make it home. Every day I must choose Heaven or Hell, to love or not to love. Ever grateful for Jesus who saves me, I think to myself, "There's no place like Home. There's no place like Home. There's no place like Home."
"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true!"
Monday, April 16, 2012
Taming of the Shrew
Positive changes were beginning to take place in our family life. My husband was beginning to treat me differently, because I was treating him differently. Even though I write about this as if it all happened in a matter of days or even weeks, it was not that way. It's like putting small amounts of money in the bank. It doesn't add up to much at the time, but put it all together and over time it accummulates and is worth a lot. But there always came a time that I blew the savings because I could not hold my tongue.
St. James tells us, "For every kind of beast and bird, of repitle and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue -- a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My breathen, this ought not to be so." (James 3:7-10)
It seemed that I could not resist any opportunity to point out the mistakes or stupid things that my husband did. And it was as if I had to reiterate it more than just once or twice to really make sure that he understood just how stupid he was. When I wasn't using words to tell him, I used non-verbal language and, if looks could kill, he would definitely be dead. The silent treatment usually proceeded the tongue lashing, as if I didn't drive home enough that I was not happy.
Again, by the grace of God, I was shown that there are no amount of words that can change something that has already happened, so why say anything that makes matters worse. The tongue is like a sword that kills the inner spirit of those we love, if we are not mindful and careful. Once words are released, they cannot be taken back. Words of encouragement to learn from our mistakes or words of charity is what builds strong relationships of love.
But St. James is right when he states that, "no human being can tame the tongue." We must have a heart filled with Jesus and then the words that come forth from our mouth is of peace. So many times, my desire to prove that I am right is stronger than my desire not to hurt the feelings of my husband, and I do not ask the Holy Spirit to speak for me. I must say that I think women are right most of the time, however, God is not interested in how many times we are right. He is only interested in the times that we are loving. Without a doubt, it feels much better to be loving than to be right.
Our family life improved greatly when I started to call upon the Holy Spirit to give me the words at difficult moments, or to keep my mouth shut. There are still times, however, that even though I call upon the Holy Spirit and repeat in my thoughts, "Don't let me say it, don't let me say it, don't let me say it, don't let me say it," oh no, I say it anyway. That is because my will to say it is greater than my will to give it to God. And it always makes matters worse. But every day is a new day to begin again and acquire the grace to do God's will. Thank you, Lord!
St. James tells us, "For every kind of beast and bird, of repitle and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue -- a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My breathen, this ought not to be so." (James 3:7-10)
It seemed that I could not resist any opportunity to point out the mistakes or stupid things that my husband did. And it was as if I had to reiterate it more than just once or twice to really make sure that he understood just how stupid he was. When I wasn't using words to tell him, I used non-verbal language and, if looks could kill, he would definitely be dead. The silent treatment usually proceeded the tongue lashing, as if I didn't drive home enough that I was not happy.
Again, by the grace of God, I was shown that there are no amount of words that can change something that has already happened, so why say anything that makes matters worse. The tongue is like a sword that kills the inner spirit of those we love, if we are not mindful and careful. Once words are released, they cannot be taken back. Words of encouragement to learn from our mistakes or words of charity is what builds strong relationships of love.
But St. James is right when he states that, "no human being can tame the tongue." We must have a heart filled with Jesus and then the words that come forth from our mouth is of peace. So many times, my desire to prove that I am right is stronger than my desire not to hurt the feelings of my husband, and I do not ask the Holy Spirit to speak for me. I must say that I think women are right most of the time, however, God is not interested in how many times we are right. He is only interested in the times that we are loving. Without a doubt, it feels much better to be loving than to be right.
Our family life improved greatly when I started to call upon the Holy Spirit to give me the words at difficult moments, or to keep my mouth shut. There are still times, however, that even though I call upon the Holy Spirit and repeat in my thoughts, "Don't let me say it, don't let me say it, don't let me say it, don't let me say it," oh no, I say it anyway. That is because my will to say it is greater than my will to give it to God. And it always makes matters worse. But every day is a new day to begin again and acquire the grace to do God's will. Thank you, Lord!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Divine Mercy
Pope John Paul II, now Blessed Pope John Paul II, declared the Sunday after Easter as Divine Mercy Sunday. It reminds us that there is no act of unkindness or wrongdoing that is greater than God's mercy. It fills me with much gratitude and peace to know that no matter how hard I try to screw things up, or make a mess of things without even trying, God is always there waiting for me to come to Him to bring good out of it all. His great mercy saves us! The good thief admits his guilt and then asks Jesus to remember him when he comes into his kingdom. Jesus replies, "Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise." (Luke 23:43)
For many years, I did not take advantage of the sacrament of Confession. I really did not understand it. Every day I was working so very hard to appear like I had it all together and that I could do it all, why would I waste time to convict myself of sinfulness. Not only did I not take time to think about my sins, if I did feel that I did something wrong, I felt that I could justify it and forgive myself for God. I could do it all, including make myself God. "Then God delivered all these commandments: 'I, the Lord, am your God...You shall not have other gods besides me.'" (Exodus 20:1,3) Oops!
Going to Confession is uncomfortable, but not quite as painful as hanging on a cross like Dismas. Returning to the sacrament of Penance after many years, made a huge difference in my transformation. I never really understood the benefit of telling my sins to a priest. I was much better at witnessing to the faults of others than pointing the finger at myself. After all, I was a good person, even better than most. I didn't see the value in it, so, I didn't do it.
This just goes to show you how very much I needed Reconciliation with God. I was in such darkness, I could not see how very much I valued my way of thinking and my pride. The power of this sacrament provides the grace needed to remove the beam from my eye so that I can see my own heart and all the people and things that I did not value. Focusing on the faults of others, especially my husband's, robbed me of the joy of being in the light of Christ. I had to get off my throne and climb on the cross.
The gift of mercy is worth more than mere words can describe. Whenever I hear the words of absolution from the priest, who acts as the person of Christ, I hear the words of Jesus say to his apostles, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven;" (John 20:22b-23), and I fly out of the confessional as if on eagle's wings. Just like in the return of the prodigal son, the Father lavishes His mercy upon me and the Father celebrates. There is no greater gift that the Father can give us than His mercy and there is no greater gift that we can give the Father than asking for it!!
My grandchildren have said on several occasions as they eat a favorite meal, that there is a party going on in their tummy. Well, whenever I receive divine mercy, there is a party in my soul! Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
The Sacred Heart of Jesus Prayer
For many years, I did not take advantage of the sacrament of Confession. I really did not understand it. Every day I was working so very hard to appear like I had it all together and that I could do it all, why would I waste time to convict myself of sinfulness. Not only did I not take time to think about my sins, if I did feel that I did something wrong, I felt that I could justify it and forgive myself for God. I could do it all, including make myself God. "Then God delivered all these commandments: 'I, the Lord, am your God...You shall not have other gods besides me.'" (Exodus 20:1,3) Oops!
Going to Confession is uncomfortable, but not quite as painful as hanging on a cross like Dismas. Returning to the sacrament of Penance after many years, made a huge difference in my transformation. I never really understood the benefit of telling my sins to a priest. I was much better at witnessing to the faults of others than pointing the finger at myself. After all, I was a good person, even better than most. I didn't see the value in it, so, I didn't do it.
This just goes to show you how very much I needed Reconciliation with God. I was in such darkness, I could not see how very much I valued my way of thinking and my pride. The power of this sacrament provides the grace needed to remove the beam from my eye so that I can see my own heart and all the people and things that I did not value. Focusing on the faults of others, especially my husband's, robbed me of the joy of being in the light of Christ. I had to get off my throne and climb on the cross.
The gift of mercy is worth more than mere words can describe. Whenever I hear the words of absolution from the priest, who acts as the person of Christ, I hear the words of Jesus say to his apostles, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven;" (John 20:22b-23), and I fly out of the confessional as if on eagle's wings. Just like in the return of the prodigal son, the Father lavishes His mercy upon me and the Father celebrates. There is no greater gift that the Father can give us than His mercy and there is no greater gift that we can give the Father than asking for it!!
My grandchildren have said on several occasions as they eat a favorite meal, that there is a party going on in their tummy. Well, whenever I receive divine mercy, there is a party in my soul! Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
The Sacred Heart of Jesus Prayer
O, Sacred Heart of Jesus, filled with infinite love,
broken by my ingratitude and pierced by my sins, yet loving me still.
Please accept this consecration that I make to thee
of all that I am and all that I have.
Take every faculty of my body and soul and draw me ever closer to thy sacred side.
And there, as much as I can bear,
teach me thy blessed ways.
Amen.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Justifications
Today marks one week since my first post. I know I could justify my stopping this humiliation, but giving up justifications was a huge part of my transformation. Of course, I am still a work in progress and still have the ability to justify anything and everything!
After reading the lives of saints, I concluded and truly believe that judgement day is the premier showing of our life. The only star in this film is the one being judged. The only other person in the theatre, is God. He will play our entire life back for us, and we will see every thought in our mind, every word that came out of our mouth, and everything we did, without the benefit of seeing why we had that thought, that response, or took that action. OUCH!!
This is when I began to look at me and just me! It wasn't pretty. A quote of St. Theresa of Avilla speaks of how a butterfly willingly enters its cacoon in order to become a butterfly. True beauty comes from within and I was always consumed with how I looked on the outside to everyone. Did we look like the perfect family? Was everyone cooperating with my plans to make me look good? I was all about things being about me, until the realization that at the end of my life, it was going to be just about me and how I cooperated with God's plan. So, I had to make God's plan, my plan, so that I could become a butterfly.
That is why my book is just about my journey within myself. I will not reveal anything about anyone else, not my husband, children, extended family, or friends, that could possibly justify any of my actions. There can be no justifications. Micah 6:8 tells us, "You have been told, O man, what is good, and what the Lord requires of you: Only to do the right and to love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God."
The thought that God was requiring things of me was something new for me. I was always requiring things of Him. It never occurred to me that with all the blessings He has bestowed upon me, that I was to be a blessing to Him. With every act of kindness, I blessed Him. With every act of unkindness, whether in my mind or acted upon, I separated myself from Him. God's Word and sacraments filled me with the desire to stay close to Jesus and follow, "the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6).
The Holy Spirit was showing me that I was like a chamelion, changing my behavior to match whomever I was associating with. When I was with family, I behaved one way. When I was with friends, I behaved another. With my church friends, I behaved holier than with my other friends. I always justified my behavior using as my standard the people I was with. Our culture is all about relativism, and that if everyone is doing it, it must be o.k. But God only has one set of rules for everyone, no exceptions, no justifications. Jesus is the only Way.
The purpose of my sharing my story is to encourage and support one another to stay in the presence of Jesus and make Him our standard for our behavior. Only then will we know how to live obediently, value everyone, and experience genuine love. This is my prayer through Jesus Christ. Amen.
After reading the lives of saints, I concluded and truly believe that judgement day is the premier showing of our life. The only star in this film is the one being judged. The only other person in the theatre, is God. He will play our entire life back for us, and we will see every thought in our mind, every word that came out of our mouth, and everything we did, without the benefit of seeing why we had that thought, that response, or took that action. OUCH!!
This is when I began to look at me and just me! It wasn't pretty. A quote of St. Theresa of Avilla speaks of how a butterfly willingly enters its cacoon in order to become a butterfly. True beauty comes from within and I was always consumed with how I looked on the outside to everyone. Did we look like the perfect family? Was everyone cooperating with my plans to make me look good? I was all about things being about me, until the realization that at the end of my life, it was going to be just about me and how I cooperated with God's plan. So, I had to make God's plan, my plan, so that I could become a butterfly.
That is why my book is just about my journey within myself. I will not reveal anything about anyone else, not my husband, children, extended family, or friends, that could possibly justify any of my actions. There can be no justifications. Micah 6:8 tells us, "You have been told, O man, what is good, and what the Lord requires of you: Only to do the right and to love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God."
The thought that God was requiring things of me was something new for me. I was always requiring things of Him. It never occurred to me that with all the blessings He has bestowed upon me, that I was to be a blessing to Him. With every act of kindness, I blessed Him. With every act of unkindness, whether in my mind or acted upon, I separated myself from Him. God's Word and sacraments filled me with the desire to stay close to Jesus and follow, "the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6).
The Holy Spirit was showing me that I was like a chamelion, changing my behavior to match whomever I was associating with. When I was with family, I behaved one way. When I was with friends, I behaved another. With my church friends, I behaved holier than with my other friends. I always justified my behavior using as my standard the people I was with. Our culture is all about relativism, and that if everyone is doing it, it must be o.k. But God only has one set of rules for everyone, no exceptions, no justifications. Jesus is the only Way.
The purpose of my sharing my story is to encourage and support one another to stay in the presence of Jesus and make Him our standard for our behavior. Only then will we know how to live obediently, value everyone, and experience genuine love. This is my prayer through Jesus Christ. Amen.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Expectations
One of the first things I had to do was give up on the expectations I had of my husband. I realize now that I expected him to be my everything, including my savior. There is only one savior, and that is Jesus. I had to make Jesus my everything. Because I wasn't sure how I would do that, I remember thinking that life would be so much easier if my husband would just do what I wanted him to do, when I wanted him to do it, the way I wanted it done, in the same amount of time that I could do it. Is that too much to ask? Oh, and if I did have to ask him to do it, I asked in a tone that implied, "You idiot; can't you see what needs to be done and just do it?"
But since that "technique" wasn't working for me, I decided to go to God's Word for help. Instead of getting up to watch the early morning news with a cup of coffee, I would pray. After dusting off the beautiful Bible I always had displayed on a shelf, I actually opened it. A quote of St. Jerome comes to mind, that to be ignorant of scripture is to be ignorant of Jesus Christ. I expected a relationship with Jesus just to happen because He loves me; much like I expected with my husband. But I was learning that all relationships, including one with Jesus, requires effort, not expectations. "Were not our hearts burning (within us) while he spoke to us on the way and opened the scriptures to us?" (Luke 24:32)
My daily prayer time with Jesus was leading me to see within my own heart. I started to see a wife who could possibly be hard to love and appreciate. A transformation was ever so slowly taking place and it did hurt, especially my pride. But habits die hard. In fact, I'm still a recovering control freak who falls off the wagon every so often. Receiving the sacrament of Penance and repeating Psalm 51:12, "A clean heart create for me, O God, and a steadfast spirit renew within me." helps me to let God be God.
Giving up expectations of my husband, which meant giving up trying to control him, was very difficult. But compared to gaining control of my tongue, it was a piece of cake!
But since that "technique" wasn't working for me, I decided to go to God's Word for help. Instead of getting up to watch the early morning news with a cup of coffee, I would pray. After dusting off the beautiful Bible I always had displayed on a shelf, I actually opened it. A quote of St. Jerome comes to mind, that to be ignorant of scripture is to be ignorant of Jesus Christ. I expected a relationship with Jesus just to happen because He loves me; much like I expected with my husband. But I was learning that all relationships, including one with Jesus, requires effort, not expectations. "Were not our hearts burning (within us) while he spoke to us on the way and opened the scriptures to us?" (Luke 24:32)
My daily prayer time with Jesus was leading me to see within my own heart. I started to see a wife who could possibly be hard to love and appreciate. A transformation was ever so slowly taking place and it did hurt, especially my pride. But habits die hard. In fact, I'm still a recovering control freak who falls off the wagon every so often. Receiving the sacrament of Penance and repeating Psalm 51:12, "A clean heart create for me, O God, and a steadfast spirit renew within me." helps me to let God be God.
Giving up expectations of my husband, which meant giving up trying to control him, was very difficult. But compared to gaining control of my tongue, it was a piece of cake!
Monday, April 9, 2012
The Choices We Face
Today is Easter Monday and I pray that we are all filled with Easter joy. Joy is something that was really missing from my family life during those early years. Oh there were some happy times, but there is a definite difference between happy times and times filled with joy. Bob and I will be married 38 years come this May and I am forever grateful for that fateful day with that priest. We came through our "passion," referring to the paradox of Jesus' passion of suffering compared to the world's passion of sex, and arrived at new life resurrected in Christ Jesus. But every day we must make choices to either remain with Jesus, who is love itself, or be tempted by the worldly ways of self-love.
It was so many years ago that I cannot remember the details of what happened next in our marriage and family life. I do remember, however, being tempted ferociously with thoughts of going to a younger priest who would be more with the current times, or even leaving the Catholic Church and all of their strigent laws. It occurred to me, by the grace of God, that I was contemplating doing whatever necessary in order to get what I wanted. More words of that priest came to my mind at some very opportune times that made me wonder if he could be right and I could possibly be "somewhat" selfish in my thinking. So, I made the decision to at least give his counsel a try.
Resisting the temptations of the evil one paid off huge! After Jesus was tempted in the dessert for 40 days, the Father sent angels to minister to him (Matthew 4:11). As I reflect back, that is exactly what God did for me. Because I did not give in to those specific temptations, God sent His angels to minister to me. Putting forth an effort to love this person that I did not feel that I could love required more than I had within me, and I went to Jesus. It reminds me of a billboard that read, "Loved the wedding. Please invite me to the marriage." I kept Jesus at church and did not realize that our home was the domestic church and He lived right there with us. We bring Jesus to light within our homes whenever we love one another. Oh, how all of this surprised me and how shameful I felt.
The living martyr had to finally die and it was going to be painful.
It was so many years ago that I cannot remember the details of what happened next in our marriage and family life. I do remember, however, being tempted ferociously with thoughts of going to a younger priest who would be more with the current times, or even leaving the Catholic Church and all of their strigent laws. It occurred to me, by the grace of God, that I was contemplating doing whatever necessary in order to get what I wanted. More words of that priest came to my mind at some very opportune times that made me wonder if he could be right and I could possibly be "somewhat" selfish in my thinking. So, I made the decision to at least give his counsel a try.
Resisting the temptations of the evil one paid off huge! After Jesus was tempted in the dessert for 40 days, the Father sent angels to minister to him (Matthew 4:11). As I reflect back, that is exactly what God did for me. Because I did not give in to those specific temptations, God sent His angels to minister to me. Putting forth an effort to love this person that I did not feel that I could love required more than I had within me, and I went to Jesus. It reminds me of a billboard that read, "Loved the wedding. Please invite me to the marriage." I kept Jesus at church and did not realize that our home was the domestic church and He lived right there with us. We bring Jesus to light within our homes whenever we love one another. Oh, how all of this surprised me and how shameful I felt.
The living martyr had to finally die and it was going to be painful.
Friday, April 6, 2012
I DO.
A short introductory chapter entitled, I Do, of my book:
I was raised by my loving parents to be a wife and mother. It is all that I dreamed of from an early age. That "dream" was filled with the visions seen on television shows and movies in the 60's era of how lovely getting married is. Upon entering that state of life on May 25, 1974, I realized within the first three days of our honeymoon that it wasn't going to be Gidget and Moondoggie having fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
Looking up to Heaven, I had a long talk with God about the fact that I think I made a mistake. The man I married seemed to change overnight and my needs were not being met. Had I just signed up for a life sentence with this man who did not love me the way I felt I should be loved. He did not seem to appreciate me, nor did he desire what I desired.
So, why did I feel that our marriage was not a mistake and totally of God? It was a mystery to me for many years. I went through all the motions of being a "good" wife. God blessed us with two beautiful sons and we lived family life in a daily routine where anyone looking at us would think we had the perfect life, and I tried to make it so.
The key word in that sentence is, "I." I was a living martyr. I did everything and my husband did nothing but go to work, which I did too. Because martyrdom is saintly, I considered myself a saint. Weekly church attendance, prayer before meals, any talk about Jesus was all initiated by me. To solidify my surety that I was on the saintly path, I taught Catechism at our Catholic parish for most of my adult life. I was a good person, and I wanted my husband to be as good and holy as me.
My constant suggestions to my husband of how he could better himself were always met with disdain. But I had the "saintly" courage to keep communicating my feelings to him on a regular basis and accepted persecution in the name of love. I was very unhappy and at one point in our marriage, I was ready to call it quits. There was a man at my workplace paying attention to me and I thought life would be so much better if I was married to him. My thought was that I deserved better and so did our two young boys.
The Catholic Church teaches, however, that divorce is only allowed in the case of abuse. Well you can imagine that I could easily build a case of emotional and/or spiritual abuse in this marriage of which I was the saintly one. So, I went to my pastor for counsel.
With confidence, I expelled all the details of my marriage to this priest, expecting his sympathy and words of, "you poor thing." You can just imagine my astonishment then, when just the opposite took place. He was very kind and compassioinate as he spoke to me about my need to change; to be more loving toward my husband. I couldn't believe it! Although I asked for his counsel, what I really wanted was his blessing to change husbands, not to change me.
This good and holy priest told me that the only time we get what we truly deserve in life, is at the end of this one. And when that time comes, he explained that God is not going to ask if everyone appreciated me and loved me the way I deserved to be loved. He is going to ask, "Did you love and honor my son for me, as you promised?"
Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather. Never, ever, in a million years did I expect that response to my sorrowful woes. What about me and my need to be loved? What about his promise to love and honor me? So, my reply to his statement that it is me that needs to change was, "I do?"
I was raised by my loving parents to be a wife and mother. It is all that I dreamed of from an early age. That "dream" was filled with the visions seen on television shows and movies in the 60's era of how lovely getting married is. Upon entering that state of life on May 25, 1974, I realized within the first three days of our honeymoon that it wasn't going to be Gidget and Moondoggie having fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
Looking up to Heaven, I had a long talk with God about the fact that I think I made a mistake. The man I married seemed to change overnight and my needs were not being met. Had I just signed up for a life sentence with this man who did not love me the way I felt I should be loved. He did not seem to appreciate me, nor did he desire what I desired.
So, why did I feel that our marriage was not a mistake and totally of God? It was a mystery to me for many years. I went through all the motions of being a "good" wife. God blessed us with two beautiful sons and we lived family life in a daily routine where anyone looking at us would think we had the perfect life, and I tried to make it so.
The key word in that sentence is, "I." I was a living martyr. I did everything and my husband did nothing but go to work, which I did too. Because martyrdom is saintly, I considered myself a saint. Weekly church attendance, prayer before meals, any talk about Jesus was all initiated by me. To solidify my surety that I was on the saintly path, I taught Catechism at our Catholic parish for most of my adult life. I was a good person, and I wanted my husband to be as good and holy as me.
My constant suggestions to my husband of how he could better himself were always met with disdain. But I had the "saintly" courage to keep communicating my feelings to him on a regular basis and accepted persecution in the name of love. I was very unhappy and at one point in our marriage, I was ready to call it quits. There was a man at my workplace paying attention to me and I thought life would be so much better if I was married to him. My thought was that I deserved better and so did our two young boys.
The Catholic Church teaches, however, that divorce is only allowed in the case of abuse. Well you can imagine that I could easily build a case of emotional and/or spiritual abuse in this marriage of which I was the saintly one. So, I went to my pastor for counsel.
With confidence, I expelled all the details of my marriage to this priest, expecting his sympathy and words of, "you poor thing." You can just imagine my astonishment then, when just the opposite took place. He was very kind and compassioinate as he spoke to me about my need to change; to be more loving toward my husband. I couldn't believe it! Although I asked for his counsel, what I really wanted was his blessing to change husbands, not to change me.
This good and holy priest told me that the only time we get what we truly deserve in life, is at the end of this one. And when that time comes, he explained that God is not going to ask if everyone appreciated me and loved me the way I deserved to be loved. He is going to ask, "Did you love and honor my son for me, as you promised?"
Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather. Never, ever, in a million years did I expect that response to my sorrowful woes. What about me and my need to be loved? What about his promise to love and honor me? So, my reply to his statement that it is me that needs to change was, "I do?"
Thursday, April 5, 2012
All Things New
Today is Holy Thursday and the beginning of the Triduum, the most holy three days of the Catholic liturgical year. Today is also the beginning of my new blog, which I feel called by God to write. I do so for the sole purpose of giving glory to Our Father in Heaven. It is my hope that by the sharing of our pilgrimage on Earth with others, we will be encouraged and supported to live as the holy family of God, not just for three holy days or the times we are at church or in prayer, but more importantly, to live out our call to holiness each day in our homes with our family and friends.
I have made many other attempts to share my faith journey through the written word, only to end it quickly. That is why I feel it is Providence that I should start anew on Holy Thursday. Jesus came to make all things new. What appeared to be failure on a cross and a waste of time, energy, and love, is the very thing that saves us. The transformation from old to new often times seems too difficult and unnecessary as no one really values it. The value is within, knowing that obedience to the will of God is the very thing that saves us!
The title of my uncompleted book is L.O.V.E. and stands for, Live Obediently - Value Everyone. Last week, I sent the first chapter off to Servant Books with a cover letter in the hope that I could either dismiss the book idea or receive encouragement to continue writing it. The reply came this week that I should consider writing a blog first and see if there is any interest in what I have to share. So, if I profess to live obediently, and I feel that God is asking me to share my story with others, I am now compelled to follow through, right? I do value the advice of this publisher and I did think that hers was a good idea, however, I did not tell her that I have tried writing blogs before and stopped after three entries.
Jesus fell three times and kept getting up. The thing I must do this time to make it new is to contact my family and friends with my blog information. Talk about accountability. The few friends that I have told that I was writing a book, ask me frequently, "how is the book coming along?" I usually laugh and leave it at that. They must feel that I have something of value to share, so I am going to try harder this time. I am going to put myself out there, revealing every humiliating detail of my attempts at transforming from a spoiled child of God to an obedient child of God, and I do it all for the glory of God!
I think this is a good start for today, giving you the background for this blog. Tomorrow, Good Friday, I will post the introduction chapter that I sent to the publisher. It doesn't come close to being crucified, but exposing oneself is very difficult. May I enter ever more deeply into the way of the cross through this exercise of obedience, and be filled to overflowing with Easter joy.
Amen.
I have made many other attempts to share my faith journey through the written word, only to end it quickly. That is why I feel it is Providence that I should start anew on Holy Thursday. Jesus came to make all things new. What appeared to be failure on a cross and a waste of time, energy, and love, is the very thing that saves us. The transformation from old to new often times seems too difficult and unnecessary as no one really values it. The value is within, knowing that obedience to the will of God is the very thing that saves us!
The title of my uncompleted book is L.O.V.E. and stands for, Live Obediently - Value Everyone. Last week, I sent the first chapter off to Servant Books with a cover letter in the hope that I could either dismiss the book idea or receive encouragement to continue writing it. The reply came this week that I should consider writing a blog first and see if there is any interest in what I have to share. So, if I profess to live obediently, and I feel that God is asking me to share my story with others, I am now compelled to follow through, right? I do value the advice of this publisher and I did think that hers was a good idea, however, I did not tell her that I have tried writing blogs before and stopped after three entries.
Jesus fell three times and kept getting up. The thing I must do this time to make it new is to contact my family and friends with my blog information. Talk about accountability. The few friends that I have told that I was writing a book, ask me frequently, "how is the book coming along?" I usually laugh and leave it at that. They must feel that I have something of value to share, so I am going to try harder this time. I am going to put myself out there, revealing every humiliating detail of my attempts at transforming from a spoiled child of God to an obedient child of God, and I do it all for the glory of God!
I think this is a good start for today, giving you the background for this blog. Tomorrow, Good Friday, I will post the introduction chapter that I sent to the publisher. It doesn't come close to being crucified, but exposing oneself is very difficult. May I enter ever more deeply into the way of the cross through this exercise of obedience, and be filled to overflowing with Easter joy.
Amen.
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